TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are conversing Damascus, town historically recognized for historic lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be large. Tremendous!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed from your putting inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the best. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely outside of location. Made by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour till the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable water. But Indeed, guaranteed, let us have A different place exactly where American Males can use robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace try since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While former negotiations unsuccessful under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: offer you Every person a collection about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly tender power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements much less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each and every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It really is that he must halt working with it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the venture, replied, "You already know, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good individuals. Excellent tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head obvious from Area, a function being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents along with the chin is… very well, classified.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after discovering the developing's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.


"It is really not only unattractive. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A Trump Tower Damascus silent atrium where by friends may perhaps contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Regional Syrians are Uncertain what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Tactic: "In case you Bomb It, They Will Arrive"


The advert campaign, lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is For good."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "where by's the closest elevator to your West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is currently attracting focus from Global investors, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll buy 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage can even include things like:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space According to the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to discover a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a hotel where by my PTSD may have flip-down service."


One more post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories suggest:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to construct a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Ultimate Ideas through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It required a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave it all 3. You're welcome."

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